A recent NBC News story, “Parents sinking some kids with their puffed-up praise, study finds”, raises some very interesting questions about parents who “bathe kids in exaggerated flattery to boost self-esteem.”

The article hits upon a very important topic: raising children with a good sense of self-esteem. We can most help our child develop decent self-esteem if we, in fact, teach him that his efforts are good and how he approaches something counts more than a result. In other words, we regard the process and show curiosity in the how and why of what he chose to do rather than congratulating a product only. For example, let’s say Susie comes home with a picture she drew. An ideal response would be to ask about why she chose to draw something, how she picked the colors she did, and why she included the particular background that is there.  Many parents just praise the product:  “Oh how beautiful the horse is!” and this can lead a child to focus on production to the absence of enjoyment and interest in the process. 

In a society that puts so much emphasis on products, wealth measures and possessions, without as much on enjoying life we can see that such trends can often begin in childhood.  Additionally, when we really value what a child does for us self-esteem also rises. For example, chores, which are really useful, make a child feel useful and necessary and important to his parents. Rewarding these chores with payoff does not feed into self-esteem.

Finally, we should remember we cannot really fool anyone in the long run, especially our children. False or inflated compliments will be perceived as such, and will not only lead to less risk taking as the article points out, but worse it can lead to a distrust of parents’ input — a much worse result.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.