Dr. Henry Paul, MD

Psychiatrist, Author and Educator

Tag Archives: death and dying

TEENS & THE LONG GOODBYE

April 17th, 2015

In the past, dying was a sudden and unexpected event. Today, living with death is an all-new experience that has families and loved ones living with death over a period of months, even years. With two-thirds of those diagnosed today with cancer living close to five years, the grieving process has begun a lot sooner and lasts a lot longer. The new process begins with a life-threatening diagnosis, proceeds through a period of treatment (or treatments) and ends eventually in death.

30026792_sOne of the more significant changes in the grieving process is the inclusion of the person who is dying. Supporting a terminally ill loved one isn’t easy; especially true for teenagers. When parents are seriously ill, or parents become caregivers to seriously ill parents (the teenager’s grandparents), many of the normal family scenarios are reversed. A teenager, experiencing the normal growing pains of adolescence, may feel that their problems are insignificant compared to those faced by their ailing family member. A teenager can feel alone during this difficult time.

Parents – healthy or sick – must realize that there is no greater blow to a child’s sense of security and safety than a mother or father who is seriously ill. Even though, teenagers are more able to understand, accept, and adhere to the adaptations the family must make to care for an ill parent; they still need to be reassured that they are loved. They need to participate in as many normal activities as they can and they need to focus on positive family activities that can be shared by everyone.

If you are a caregiver for a loved one, consider getting help with the daily household chores to cut down on family stress. Make sure that you have time to spend with your teenager. Go to an athletic event, open house, shopping or to dinner and a movie. It is important to find a routine.

Parents need to be conscious of how they react to their illness or the illness of their spouse or parent. Your teen will mimic your reaction in most cases. If you show panic and despair, they will show panic and despair. If you show understanding, patience and strength, they will show understanding, patience and strength. Be honest with your teenager about what is happening and invite them to vent their distress and anxiety openly. Help them to understand that grief is a family matter, and that the “long goodbye” is something the entire family will share.

Disclaimer

This blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.

 

COUNSELING THE BEREAVED

December 7th, 2014


“Grandma was different.  I could talk to her.  She never judged me.  I can’t imagine her not being here.  Sometimes – to tell the truth, Mom, I wanna go wherever she is.  What will I do without her in this world?”

I was reading the CNN Heroes piece posted online “Helping Baltimore’s grieving kids heal” by Marissa Calhoun (CNN).  A great story about “Roberta’s House” founded in June of 2007 by the children of the late Julia Roberta March.  March was the matriarch and co-founder of the March Funeral Homes in Baltimore, Maryland. She was known as the heart of the business, and she counseled and comforted many who were bereaved.   Her children decided it was only fitting to create a bereavement center in her name.

“Roberta’s House” volunteers and staff counsel children, teens and adults on dealing with their grief.   It is a place where trained volunteers and staff help individuals and families share their feelings, memories and experiences in a safe and loving environment.

As a child psychiatrist, over the years I have received many calls from worried parents concerned about children who have lost someone through death.  With the younger children the concerns tend to be more about whether they should attend funerals, and be talked to about death and the process of dying.   Most calls about teenagers who are grieving are from parents who are worried that their child might suffer serious depression or other pathologies during their teenage years.

Adolescent grief or bereavement is normal and natural.  Teenagers who are grieving have many characteristics of adults who are grieving such as becoming somewhat withdrawn and isolated, to feeling anger, guilt, and helplessness.  They often yearn for the return of a loved one.  It is important to allow our grieving children and teenagers to experience this stage in life normally, without interfering in the process they must undergo to get through it.

I think it is wonderful that “Roberta’s House” is not only guiding the children and teens, but working with the whole family to get through it. I sometimes think that it is not the death of a loved one that causes problems as much as the mishandling of the grieving process by others (whose intentions are good, but misguided).  In other words, normal grief does not cause pathology, but grief that is interfered with might.

Roberta’s House is one of the top 10 CNN Heroes of 2014. They will be honored at the annual tribute show, which airs Sunday, December 7.  Here is a link to their website:  “Roberta’s House”.  Check it out and let me know what you think!

I will share with you some of my own thoughts on how to deal with teenagers and grieving in my next blog.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.