Dr. Henry Paul, MD

Psychiatrist, Author and Educator

Tag Archives: losing a loved one

A CHECKLIST TO FOR PARENTS TO HELP THEIR TEENS GRIEVE

December 16th, 2014

Teenager’s experiences and expressions of grief vary greatly. Some teenagers

will experience shock and denial, even disbelieving that the death has occurred. Others might show very few signs of grieving. Keep the following points in mind as you help your teen deal with grief:

  • Respect the form and time that your teen takes to grieve.
  • Assist your teen in expressing thoughts openly, on the teen’s terms, not yours. Encourage your teen to share feelings, even if they are scary, unusual, and frightening.
  • Help your teen by gathering articles, old pictures, and old stories about the dead person. Some people even suggest making a collage as a way of helping the healing process.
  • Be as present and available as you can to your teen. Many teenagers feel neglected when people, especially parents, and close family members aren’t physically and emotionally there for them. (The neglect sometimes happens because the teen’s grief may make others feel anxiety about death and thus may give in to the desire to avoid the teenager).
  • Look for signs of hyper-sexuality, drug abuse, risky behavior, depression, and suicidal thoughts or plans which are pathological expressions of grief.
  • Involvement in a grief support group can be very important for a teenager and surviving relatives. Support can be in groups devoted to dealing with grieving – groups that may involve only peers or the whole family. The sense of belonging to a group provides a safe place to talk about feelings and lessens the sense of isolation and sadness that are normal parts of the grieving process.
  • Listen to your teen. Be supportive and don’t immediately try to fix it. Work together through your grief.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help from other family members, mental health professionals or friends. Be sure to contact a mental health professional if you feel there is a deep depression or suicidal thoughts or plans.
  • Lastly, be sure that your attitudes about death are as healthy as possible to set a good example for your teenager. As always, we affect teens more by what we do and how we act than by what we say.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.

UNDERSTANDING TEEN GRIEF

December 15th, 2014

So, in my last blog I touched on bereavement counseling in general. Now I want to talk about bereavement specifically with teenagers.

Adolescent grief or bereavement is normal and natural. Grief is not an illness; it is a normal reaction to loss. Teenagers need to ask questions. Give them prompt and correct information. Allow them to express every concern and to participate in all rituals having to do with the death and the grieving process. Allow them to be comforted by those who are still alive.

Do not keep your teenager from going to funerals; encourage and support them to do so. Unlike very young children, teenagers can be given details about how a loved one died. Grieving involves many complicated feelings, such as anger, guilt, shame, conflict, and even rage. Teenagers may sometimes feel that they want to join the dead loved one. Sometimes they may even feel that they see or hear the image or voice of the dead person (read my “Dreams of the Departed” blog from November). You should encourage discussion about this. Of course, if the wish to be with the loved one is accompanied by actual suicidal plans or behaviors, or the wish to be dead, you need to seek immediate professional help.

Emphasizing the positive relationship that your teen had with the dead person – going through old pictures, telling old stories, and answering all questions about the deceased – will go a long way.

Parental honesty, availability and support are the key to helping the teenager work through grief. Harm is done not from honest confrontation and discussion of death but rather from misguidedly trying to protect the teenager through avoidance, hypocrisy, duplicity, and misinformation. Not only should family members be honest and open, but they should tend to their grief, as well. Shared grief ultimately becomes less of a burden to all.

Whatever the means of achieving it – the real goal is to keep communication open at all times!

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.

 

COUNSELING THE BEREAVED

December 7th, 2014


“Grandma was different.  I could talk to her.  She never judged me.  I can’t imagine her not being here.  Sometimes – to tell the truth, Mom, I wanna go wherever she is.  What will I do without her in this world?”

I was reading the CNN Heroes piece posted online “Helping Baltimore’s grieving kids heal” by Marissa Calhoun (CNN).  A great story about “Roberta’s House” founded in June of 2007 by the children of the late Julia Roberta March.  March was the matriarch and co-founder of the March Funeral Homes in Baltimore, Maryland. She was known as the heart of the business, and she counseled and comforted many who were bereaved.   Her children decided it was only fitting to create a bereavement center in her name.

“Roberta’s House” volunteers and staff counsel children, teens and adults on dealing with their grief.   It is a place where trained volunteers and staff help individuals and families share their feelings, memories and experiences in a safe and loving environment.

As a child psychiatrist, over the years I have received many calls from worried parents concerned about children who have lost someone through death.  With the younger children the concerns tend to be more about whether they should attend funerals, and be talked to about death and the process of dying.   Most calls about teenagers who are grieving are from parents who are worried that their child might suffer serious depression or other pathologies during their teenage years.

Adolescent grief or bereavement is normal and natural.  Teenagers who are grieving have many characteristics of adults who are grieving such as becoming somewhat withdrawn and isolated, to feeling anger, guilt, and helplessness.  They often yearn for the return of a loved one.  It is important to allow our grieving children and teenagers to experience this stage in life normally, without interfering in the process they must undergo to get through it.

I think it is wonderful that “Roberta’s House” is not only guiding the children and teens, but working with the whole family to get through it. I sometimes think that it is not the death of a loved one that causes problems as much as the mishandling of the grieving process by others (whose intentions are good, but misguided).  In other words, normal grief does not cause pathology, but grief that is interfered with might.

Roberta’s House is one of the top 10 CNN Heroes of 2014. They will be honored at the annual tribute show, which airs Sunday, December 7.  Here is a link to their website:  “Roberta’s House”.  Check it out and let me know what you think!

I will share with you some of my own thoughts on how to deal with teenagers and grieving in my next blog.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.