Dr. Henry Paul, MD

Psychiatrist, Author and Educator

Tag Archives: NFL domestic violence

DISCIPLINING YOUR TEENAGER

September 22nd, 2014

In the light of all the discussion about disciplining your child that the NFL has created, I think this is a good time to talk about how to discipline teenagers, since it is very different from how you would discipline a young child.

When disciplining a teenager you need to remember that the actions that you take when your child breaks the rules are actions that will hopefully help your child learn. Parents question how much “rope” to give a child, worrying that there might be too much, and the child will “hang himself.” Other parent’s worry that being too strict will result in their teen rebelling, losing respect, and not loving them. Others consider rebellion and defiance to be “normal” in teenagers and thus may rarely take a teen’s misbehavior seriously. While to some degree rebellion and defiance are natural, it has been found that excessive rebellion and excessive defiance are usually indicators of an oppositional defiant behavior disorder and are not necessarily associated with health.

The problem is that most parents only have the model of discipline that was meted out to them as children and teens. For many, identification with the normal rebellious and defiant aspects of the teenage years has never been normalized by mature growth; thus they either subtly (or not so subtly) stimulate “bad behavior,” only to follow it, in their own anxiety and confusion, by administering punishment to the adolescent. Not surprisingly, this causes the teen perplexity, anxiety, and confusion.

On the other hand, constructive discipline tends to result in the development of a mature young adult by the end of the adolescent passage. It helps a teenager control his impulses, cooperate with other people, and be patient. The aim of discipline should not be to develop a homogenized and completely socialized teenager; parents should always stress the uniqueness of their teenage sons and daughters. Rather, discipline should result in a teen taking a wholehearted and responsible approach to life. Disciplining a teenager is different from disciplining a younger child since the teenager is more mature, more reflective, and more able to enter into discussions and negotiations. This means that discipline can and should always be enlightening to teenagers, never a means of deriding, shaming, or making them feel as if they are “bad.”

What to Do

  • Don’t be a cruel parent. Don’t humiliate, criticize destructively, physically attack, or try to cripple your teenagers will just in order to make him conform to certain rules.
  • Make expectations and rules clear to your child.
  • Don’t be scared to set limits.
  • Do not make rules arbitrarily, even if you feel strong about them; they should involve some give and take.
  • Understand that whatever teaching and disciplining you do, most teenagers will mature through trial and error.
  • Reward constructive behavior rather than criticize bad behavior.
  • Be a role model for your teenager.
  • Be compassionate and patient when it comes to discussion of family rules and responsibilities.
  • When punishing your teenager it is best to withdraw privileges. However, make sure to not over-punish because you are angry.
  • Never use physical or mental torture.
  • Don’t give in to tantrums or loud and intimidating behavior, and don’t allow guilt to cloud your judgment.
  • Remember, teenagers test the limits. You will be tested!

In the end, be compassionate and empathetic and remember what it was like to be a teenager. Your greatest influence on your child doesn’t come through your punishment but through your being a good role model and your ability to understand the situation and act appropriately.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.

WE NEED TO HELP THE ABUSERS, TOO!

September 20th, 2014

In the cases of both Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice, we need to look at how we can help the abuser. Both domestic violence and child abuse are unacceptable, and make no mistake, the focus on the victim is first and foremost. Their safety and well-being as a victim of domestic violence or child abuse is of the utmost importance.

Having said that, as a medical professional I think we also need to use this opportunity that has thrust this issue into the national spotlight to focus on the impaired perpetrators. Ironically, these are often the people that need the most help, but they usually are held in disdain for their actions, arrested or neglected. There needs to be more attention paid to these pariahs in order for us to truly make a difference in stopping domestic violence.

Researchers and practitioners need to focus more attention on identifying ways to improve domestic violence treatment outcomes. We need to help abusers stop being violent and abusive and help them learn how to relate to their partners in a respectful and equal way. We need to show them non-abusive ways of dealing with difficulties in their relationships and coping with their anger in order to keep their partner safe.

The NFL today outlined a plan to create a conduct committee to make sure that players (and anyone associated with the NFL) are always living with the best practices. The NFL can be a role model and set the agenda for what is and isn’t acceptable. Let’s see if the NFL can implement the right policies and procedures to be a leader in dealing with domestic violence and child abuse. Only time will tell.

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.

DO NOT CONFUSE DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT

September 20th, 2014

The sad story this week that surrounds NFL player Adrian Peterson has reignited the ongoing debate over whether-or-not to spank your children.
I believe that children should never be spanked. They should not be pushed, slapped, grabbed, shoved or hit period. Why? Because it teaches violence. It gives the message that violence is a valid way to communicate. It causes fear, shame and helplessness. Children who are often spanked develop anxiety or depression later on, and spanking a child can also easily lead to severe injury and even death by accident.

The problem is that most parents only have the model of discipline that was meted out to them as children and teens. Such says Peterson about using a tree branch as a “switch” to punish his four-year-old son. There really is no good that can come from spanking or hitting your child. What is important is to understand the proper methods for disciplining children both young children and teenagers. I raised two children of my own, so I not only speak as a medical professional but as a parent.

Unfortunately, parents often confuse discipline for punishment. The goal of disciplining children is not to punish them, but with a young child it is to help them learn good behaviors. Bad behavior for children between the ages of two and six is expected, so the discipline is different from how you might discipline your tween or teen. With teenagers and older children, you want to guide them toward the development of responsibility, morals, and ethics.

One of the reasons that parents are so anxious about discipline is because of the conflicting messages that society sends to both parents and children, particularly teenagers, about what appropriate discipline ought to be. The clear message to take away from the Adrian Peterson case is that corporal punishment is not discipline and is never acceptable. NEVER!

DISCLAIMER
Information contained in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical or psychiatric advice for individual conditions or treatment and does not substitute for a medical or psychiatric examination. A psychiatrist must make a determination about any treatment or prescription. Dr. Paul does not assume any responsibility or risk for the use of any information contained within this blog.